Rant: Passive-Aggressively Dumping Someone

[wart57]

You probably crushed her, but that's ok, I am sure she will be fine eventually.

[Spider John]

Cronos, you remind me of me when I was dating, because I had some of the same thoughts and issues. And others may tell you you should go about things differently, but I don't know how you stop being yourself. Being yourself is not necessarily a bad thing.

[Arthur Dent]

Anyway, it sucks way worse to be dumped by someone who is upfront and honest.

I dunno about that. I got dumped by a girl who never really explained her motivation when everything seemed to be going pretty well (at least to me) a week earlier. I still wonder what went wrong. I think being told, "Screw you, I never liked you, and I've been sleeping with your best friend," would have been preferable. You know, closure.

[Cronos]

Anyway, it sucks way worse to be dumped by someone who is upfront and honest.

I guess we'll agree to disagree. I've had it both ways, and this way at least allows me to move on more quickly. I'm very much in agreement with AD; I wouldn't even care if she said "I've been screwing ____", it would allow me to move on and have instant closure.

In the former that I described, I'm left only to wonder and to think what went wrong, and that leads to bad places and time wasted.

Anyway, the whole bit about "power" isn't my point with this thread, just the way she (and several others) have gone about ending things with me. I was a little buzzed and obviously a little angry last night.

[ghostrunner]

Anyway, the whole bit about "power" isn't my point with this thread, just the way she (and several others) have gone about ending things with me. I was a little buzzed and obviously a little angry last night.

Nevertheless, and it's just my opinion, you're not going to have a relationship work if you go into it with this idea that one gender holds all the power. Whatever that means. Unless she's a ballbuster and that's what you're looking for. And you can't really set terms on relationships.

I suppose people are different in terms of how they like a break up to go. In my experience, seeing other people try to let people down gently and explain things just makes it worse. Anyway, breaking up is not something anyone is ever good at doing. I have only a small amount of personal experience doing it, but I've never heard anyone that was pleased with how a relationship ended.

[Michael]

Anyway, it sucks way worse to be dumped by someone who is upfront and honest.

I dunno about that. I got dumped by a girl who never really explained her motivation when everything seemed to be going pretty well (at least to me) a week earlier. I still wonder what went wrong. I think being told, "Screw you, I never liked you, and I've been sleeping with your best friend," would have been preferable. You know, closure.

It sounds you'd like to be given a reason to hate the other person, not upfront honesty for closure. I seriously doubt you'd really like to hear all your personality flaws, bad physical features and disappointing sexual performances outlined in an exit interview.

[Arthur Dent]

You could be right. An exit interview would be bizarre, and I didn't intend to suggest anything like that. But being left totally in the dark is somehow more cruel than starting a fight, making wild accusations, or even your creepy exit interview idea. Not knowing and not having even an inaccurate understanding for purposes of rationalization sucks. I suppose you could say that people are going to be upset no matter the exact means of break up, but there are still better and worse ways, and I think there is some level of obligation to your partner when ending a long term relationship.

[docellis]

I have tried various ways to break up with someone and my favorite way to do it is to just run away and never take another call, delete emails without reading (same with voicemails) after telling them it just isn't working out.

My reasoning is, no matter how many hours or days you spend trying to explain to someone WHY it isn't working out - the interaction is always bad. It either becomes hostile and things get messier - or - it the dumped person tries to convince you that they can change the things that caused the break up.
Big waste of energy and time. And if someone broke up with me, I would prefer they kept it short and sweet and just got out of my life as soon as possible. The worst would be if someone continued to date me when they knew it was over but, for whatever reason, put off breaking up.

[Cronos]

And if someone broke up with me, I would prefer they kept it short and sweet and just got out of my life as soon as possible.

Agreed. This is how I've done it in the past when I've needed to do so.

The worst would be if someone continued to date me when they knew it was over but, for whatever reason, put off breaking up.

Couldn't agree more. This has happened to me before and I believe it also happened in this case. Very frustrating.

[haltz]

Look, the gist of all the myriad of ways is simply "I don't want to be with you." It might be easier to move on if someone insults you on the way out, but it's not nice.

Someone could start a rant entitled, "people that can't take a hint" and wonder why someone wants to make them explain the gory details, lie, or speak in cliches.

I know I said this already, but it really just sucks when someone doesn't want to be with you and you really like/love them. It doesn't make sense, and you need something to be mad at, whether that's a 30-pt critique of your personality, looks, standing in life and sexual prowess, or passive aggressively hoping the problem just goes away.

I've had it both ways and done it both ways. It's just bad. If there's power in a relationship, it's being the person who's less into it.